OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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