Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
