dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
