i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
