I met the friendliest cop last night
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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