Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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