Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
