I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You have to summon your inner elephant
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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