WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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