Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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