How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
