oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
