remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
