Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
