that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
