I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
