theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
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Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I could fuck to npr.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize