Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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