I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
