u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Randomize
