if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
