I don't usually arrange sex via text message
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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