i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
