I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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