the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
