im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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