I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
