Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I will be naked everywhere
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
