Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
