yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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