if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
