Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
