a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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