So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
