i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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