6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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