The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
