How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
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I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
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Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.