I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank