Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
