I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
