mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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