so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
