Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
