Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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