Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
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