eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just forgot I was standing up.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
