Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
