this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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