Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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