Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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