made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
