Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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