Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
