i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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