i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
