11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
