K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
