and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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